How to write a wildly successful blog post

This is a brief how-to guide to writing a wildly successful blog post which will bring you fame and riches beyond your humblest dreams. This advice can be relied upon to be 100% accurate and true except for the parts that aren't. Any legal actions against the author in regards to advice given in this guide will be dealt with in the harshest manner imaginable. That is assuming you cannot imagine something harsher than a giant double scorpion, riding bareback on a mega-gorilla wearing diamond plated dentures, showing up at your house at the most inconvenient time, which will most likely be while you simultaneously have company over and Lavern and Shirley reruns playing on the picture box.

Tip #0.5: Always include a picture. Even if it just a random picture you stole off of google's image search. Most people won't even bother to read your post, so a picture is absolutely necessary for them to have something to look at while they are not reading.

Tip #1: Make the post useful. Teach people how to do something they've always wanted to do. How to spell phrontistery, for example. By the way, it's spelled P-H-R-O-N-T-I-S-T-E-R-Y.

Tip #2: Look up large, obscure words in the dictionary and somehow shoehorn them into your post. This will make you look smarter than you actually are. If the words also happen to be unwritable click language words, readers are likely to think you are a Norse, or possibly Finnish, god.

Tip #3: Incorporate one of the five major themes of literary conflict into your post. These are, in no particular order:
1. Man vs. Man
2. Man vs. Nature
3. Man vs. Society
4. Man vs. Himself
5. Man vs. the Undead (also includes cyborgs, self-aware robots, and demoniacally animated cheese)

Tip #4: Include at least one list in your post. The masses like their information in bite-sized form. Lists are also an excellent way to jump randomly from one topic to the next without having to use good writing skills to make a coherent post. Here is a list of sub-tips on including lists in blog posts:
Sub-tip #1: Never, ever include a list when you really should include a table. Some of the most commonly mis-listed table items include: names of semi-famous pirates and their lovers, things you can do with European soft foods, parties you always wished you were invited to and the reasons you would have had a terrible time if you had gone, ketchups.
Sub-tip #2: Keep your lists short and sub-lists shorter. No one wants to read a rambling list of random nonsense. Sub-lists should never exceed three items. Two is the optimal number. Unless it is an actual list of subs (either sandwich or maritime variety), in which case the reader will be confused regardless of the number of items in the sub-list. Regular lists should not exceed five items. If you must, additional items can be pasted in at the beginning of the list as fractional items. Readers will never know the difference due to modern sentence machine editing technology.

Tip #5: Take out attack ads against other blogs, slandering their character. But never the author's character. That's just tasteless. *Technically, this tip is a follow-up action to be taken after you have already finished writing your post. As such, it should be ignored.

There you have it. A 100% comprehensively complete, step-by-step, do-it-yourself instruction manual/guide incorporating full explanatory notes and references on how to author your very own wildly successful blog post.

Now you can sit back, relax, and watch the reputation-currency of the interwebs (comments) come flooding in. You may want to check your post compulsively every five minutes just to see if anyone has posted a comment. If no comments have been posted, the server must be down.