The Biggest Fan

My sister, Henri, has proven that she's the biggest "The Freshest Hell" fan through the creation of a t-shirt. I really like chocolate...so if anyone wants to beat Henri at being the biggest fan, you can make chocolates for me. I'm not ashamed of being open to bribes.


I don't want you all leaving this blog thinking "Henri" is short for Henrietta, because it's not. Henri's formal name is Margaret Ruth. So Henri has nothing to do with it. For as long as I can remember, my family called Henri, Henri. My dad was the author of this name, taking it from a comic in the newspaper during the mid '80s. Henri was a character in the comic who was a baby that my dad thought resembled our Henri.

My dad was fond of making unusual nick names for his kids. I was called Bones since I was so skinny but it wasn't used much. Joe was called Fat Boy since he was a pudge when he was a toddler, that also didn't stick for long. Tom's name was actually made up by my siblings and me, it's Boss Chicken. It came from us teasing him that he was bossy like a chicken, whatever that means (we were in elementary school). Tom was called this for a good portion of his life. In his defense, Tom is not bossy like a chicken at all. Zack, the youngest, was and still is called Junior, Boss Chicken Jr.that is. When Zack was in primary the primary leaders heard my dad calling Zack "Junior" and thought he was named after my dad. For that year's primary program, Zack's name was listed in the program as "Don, Jr."

So that's a little background on my family.

Me + Science = Cool

Last night I brought the young men from the ward to my lab for our activity. I performed amazing and inexplicable feats of magic and miracles. They were awed by my awesomeness. The Bible says 'out of the mouths of babes...something something' and straight from the kids - I am the coolest guy ever. Unfortunately, I forgot to recruit a camera man so the rest of the world could partake of my glorious glory. So you'll just have to take my word for it (or the word of the throngs of raving fans present last night) that my magic is truly magical.

Here is a list of the many, many two magical feats I performed last night.
1. Dehydration of sugar with sulfuric acid
2. Super Frozen Banana and Rose (You won't find these frozen bananas at the fair! Unless it's a SCIENCE fair! Because that's what I do at my job, science.)

The rest of the night I captivated them with my unrivaled yarn spinning skills. It was a truly magical evening. I would almost say 'romantical' if it wasn't all guys.

So, the next time you're in town, stop by* Corbin's Wondrous World of Wonderful Wonders. You will be undissapointed.

*This offer is only good for friends and family who live very far away, and thus have an extremely low probability of ever actually visiting. (The shattered banana was kind of a pain to clean up once it thawed out again.)

Spa Day at the Dentist

I too went to the dentist, the same dentist as Corbin as a matter of fact. However, my experience was much different, spa worthy different.

As I was laying in the chair, the hygienist asked me if I was interested in getting a parafin wax hand bath. Initially I didn't know how to respond. I thought, "is she asking me if I like them, have done them before, or would seriously want one at this very minute?" My hygienist confirmed and said, "Yes, we have the equipment in the back, if you want one now." Heck yeah I wanted one at that very moment. Who doesn't love a nice wax hand bath?!?



So following a little tooth polishing, we went in the back and my hands were dipped in the warm wax. Then giant "mittens" were put on my hands and we went back to my chair. I received a floride treatment and then the dentist inspected my teeth. I got a 100 percent...I mean I was good to go (I still love getting 100's). The wax was removed from my hands, and my clean teeth and moisturized hands happily left the office. Now that's customer service.

The hygienist told me they were working to obtain more spa like amenities in the office to offer patients. Apparently it's a growing trend in dental offices to offer spa treatments as they work to make their patient's stay more comfortable. I would like to see massages, foot rubs, maybe a manicure or pedicure, oh and definitely a face mask offered. Hopefully all of these could be accommodated in one visit.

If my local hospital had a spa facility, you would not see me hesitate to have a baby. Part of me secretly wished to return to my dentist office sooner than another 6 months so I could get more pampering.

People will pay you to be inhumane

Some people don't like going to the dentist. I don't mind it. I like the mild pain of the cleanings (kind of like good loose tooth pain) and being flossed by someone else. It makes me feel like royalty. Like I'm so rich that I can pay someone to chew my food and then floss my teeth when I am done. I guess I really am so rich that I can pay someone to floss my teeth. People in Africa don't have dental hygienists. Plus my dental hygienist is very gentle with the floss. Much more gentle than I am with my own gums, which is nice. I guess.

But I also had some sealants put on my wisdom teeth. I still have them which is why I'm so smart. But they are hard to clean and I apparently have deeply grooved wisdom teeth which has caused not cavities, but some staining. So the dentist did a little etching and a little sealing.

The whole process reminded me of the last time I had a cavity back in Virginia. We were living in southwest VA at the time and I think our dentist had a lot of back woods clients, considering the level of treatment I received. The experience gave me a good story anyway. Well, it's an alright story. But it's not very long, which is why I have to pad it with all this extra background and build up. On with it.

I went in for the scheduled fillings and the dentist informed me that they were just little surface cavities. He asked me if I wanted Novocaine. I had never been offered anything else so I asked what my options were. I was really hoping for some laughing gas, but apparently he didn't have a sense of humor. My options were Novocaine or nothing. Nothing!?! NOTHING?!?! Are you mental? You are going to drill into my teeth, right? With a drill! And you ask if I want NOTHING?!?!

So I said, 'Sure. I'll go with the Nothing.' I hate Novocaine. You have to go through the rest of the day with half your face Christopher Reeves-ized. And you look like Sloth from Goonies, even though your face magically changes back to normal every time you look in the mirror. No thank you. Besides, how bad could it really hurt?

Let's just say my new dentist was surprised by the reflex urination in my pants produced by the sound of his dental drill yesterday.

Actually, it turns out that it didn't really hurt that bad. But he did touch a nerve a time or two with his drill, so it wasn't all laughs. But I get to act like a tough guy and tell people that I got two cavities filled with no numbing. And I've got a terrible memory so it's practically like I never felt the pain at all.

Well, I've got to go stare at myself in the mirror for hours.

For the Incredulous and Curious

***DISCLAIMER: This video was requested. Alice and I are not those people who think having a pet is like having a child and should, therefore, be bragged, talked, and blogged about incessantly. Although this denial makes it all the more likely that we are, in fact, those people. Please shoot me.***

As the creator of the video, I am exercising my rights to ascribe to it meaning and purpose. This is Papel's response to Zac's cats, William and Wallace, and their shameless rabble rousing. Papel figuratively and literally poops on their violent, anarchistic ideals. Papel knows that he is safer, healthier, happier, and better fed than those cats condemned to the outdoors, whether by chance or by negligent owners.

Remember, "Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you can't get there if you're euthanized."