This is a football post. For those of you not manly enough appreciate muscular men running around in tight pants trying to push each other over, you can skip this post. For the rest of you, please don your favorite chili-cheese stained t-shirt, plant yourself in your sofa butt-groove, and hold on to the remote as the Hokies take us all on a ride to a magical land where the football isn't the only leathery skin you'll find, Florida. (They also have a lot of sun tanned old people in Florida.)
On Saturdee, the beloved Virginia Tech Hokies trounced the odious Boston College Eagles to clench the ACC title. (That was my best sports column opening line impersonation. If you work for Sports Illustrated, please don't contact me. I love my job.) I watched this game with my textbook-addicted friend,Matt, and my crippled friend, Pete, so there were not many flying high-five chest slams, but it was still an exciting game. I long for the days of my youth when we were at Virginia Tech. We would sit in Lane Stadium and go wild as the Hokies walked all over whoever and I got terribly sun burned. Football got under your skin at Virginia Tech, like a bot fly larva. The best my current school (UCSD) can offer is water polo. There have been quite a few water polo deaths in recent years; however, officials still aren't sure if the drownings were caused by exhaustion or boredom.
For a picture of the Hokies' biggest fan, click here. (Warning: viewer discretion is advised.)
As ACC champions, we will be playing in the Orange Bowl against Kansas. Really? Kansas? What are they going to do, throw corn at us? I mean, come on! Couldn't they find a real team for us to play? Like a team of pirates or something? It is Florida, after all. I just expected more from a bowl named after America's favorite citrus. It's not as if we're playing in the Chick-fil-A bowl against the mid-day shift crew of the 43rd Street Chick-fil-A like we did last year. And we're not playing in the Siesta bowl where the half time show consists of a short nap under a sombrero. This is the ORANGE bowl, people. We all know orange is the new pink. And pink is just another name for rose. And the Rose Bowl used to be considered the championship bowl. So we're really in the national championship bowl, here. Let's find a team of ninjas that know how to chop block (they really put the 'chop' in chop block) so we can have an exciting game to watch. Or better yet, lets pit the team of pirates against the ninjas and settle the age old debate once and for all. Forget football, I'm ready for some blood splatter to cover up these chili-cheese stains.
P.S. In the comment section, please post who you would bet on in a pirate v. ninja match-up. Include likely vegas odds and reasoning behind your choice. The most creative response will be awarded a beautifully engraved shiruken, either in a decorative box or embedded in the spinal column, depending on who was predicted to win.
P.P.S. For those of you who are entirely bored with the PvN debate because you've been on the interwebs since, like, 2004 and have already read all about PvN and you made up your mind long, long ago, you may post on the much more esoteric topic of Monkey vs. Robot. Here's a little music video to get your debate juices flowing.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Orange is the new rose
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8 Helens agree.
ninjas, nuff said
im sorry i cant get into the robotvsmonkey. a robot would win hands down unless your monkey was a silverback and the robot was anything less in size than such famous robots as bender or rosie. if its like the video and its really guy in a monkey costume vs guy in a robot costume then its like the pirate vs ninja and its 50/50, where you side with your personal favorite and theory away your day as to how yours is better.
You Hokies sure do travel well...
http://www.profplacements.com/images/accchampionshipgame.jpg
Are you sure that's the original? And not this?
I mean, I want to believe that the kid is a die hard VT fan, and not a Euro-trash soccer wussy. But the VT one just looks altered. The culprit even got so lazy as to miss half of the silhouette logo on the left sleeve, and a little bit of it near the right sleeve.
I don't know what all the other internet addicts have to say about it, but the reality is that the Pirates would win, not because they are better fighters, but because they have no conscience, no morals, and they are willing to do what ever it takes to win, including raping the women and children. The Ninjas, on the other hand, are valiant and all into that "honor" stuff and the whole discipline thing, which works great up until their families are about to be butchered. At that point they will lay down. Fight over; Pirates win. Also, the Pirates are likely to be too drunk to feel any pain, so they are more likely to keep going, and going, and going until they lose the other eye, the other leg, and both arms. As documented by Monte Python, there is still a lot of fight left in someone who has just suffered wounds resulting in quadriplegia. Monty Python never showed what happened after that memorable fight, but it's obvious that the fight was not over; and if the editors thought the ensuing carnage was more graphic to show (more graphic than arms and legs being cut off and blood squirting from the resultant stubbs), then it must have been pretty bad.
You're forgetting that ninjas don't have families. All ninjas are born N-section. That's like C-section but the incision is made from the inside. That is because ninjas are born with katanas in their hands. Needless to say, the mother almost never survives. And if she does, she surely will not survive the ninja's terrible twos when the ninja's discipline and honor are at their weakest. The same goes for the rest of the family. Some theorize this early trauma is why ninjas are such blood thirsty killers, they are racked with guilt from killing their own families when they were young. They overcompensate by developing highly increased sense of honor and discipline. But when it comes to an enemy that rapes women and children, they will be extra ruthless, seeing in the pirates a shadow of their former selves. They will, in a sense, be murdering their former, undisciplined selves in an attempt to gain redemption. The pirates don't stand a chance against such pathological psychoses, grog or no grog.
Plus, the keenest-eyed mortal can't even see a ninja coming. How is a one-eyed, sea-blind pirate going to see him? You can't kill what you can't see. The ninjas would swab the deck with the pathetic pirates.
The Ninjas I know are taught to respect their elders before they can crawl, or even manage to get their katanas into their mouths (for those of you who are childless, all babies put everything into their mouths once they develop sufficient motor skills). Modern medicine has made it possible to save the mothers of Ninjas, even after the N-Section, so yes, Ninjas do have families, and most have older sisters (its a fact in the Library of Congress). The mother thing is obvious because without a mother, they would not learn honor and discipline (those of you who are childless will have to take my word on this). The theory of them feeling terrible guilt from killing their own families was long ago disproven. Today, that theory is akin to saying that the world is flat. So, yes, the modern Ninja has a family. Now, if you are talking about the 15th century Ninja, that is a different story.
And yes, the Ninja is stealthy, but need I remind you that Pirates also use the element of surprise; and they use it surprisingly well, despite Hollywood's efforts to expose their tactics. The Pirates' stealthiness is accomplished by sailing under an ally's flag. Only at the last minute (just before they board your ship) do they raise the Jolly Roger, announcing that you are about to get a beat-down. But like I said, they don't even need to see the Ninjas any way. They just need to see their families. In a fair fight, the Ninjas will win, but Pirates don't fight fair.
You must not know any REAL ninjas. If you did, you'd already be dead.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Go ahead. It's only 2¢.