Holiday Gift Guide

With Christmas just around the corner, some of you may still be doing some last minute Christmas shopping. If you still need some ideas, here are a few goodies I found. Surely there is something here perfect for everyone on your Christmas list.

1. Psycho Shower Curtain - for those holidays that you can't spend with your mother-in-law but still want to have a friendly reminder. My mother-in-law is a saint and would never dream of stabbing me to death in the shower, but those on your list may not be so lucky.




2. Butt-Face soap - I've always thought the miracle of soap was that it was self-cleaning, so this may not be necessary. But some on your gift list may not have such a lax view on derriere detergents. This will help them keep track of where that soap has been. However, it won't help them if they drop it. Also available: Butt-Face towels.





3. Tattoo sleeves - This is for that person on your list that has always wanted to be hard core, but their Mom would never let them. A shirt that makes it look like you have tattoos, YEAH! All the anti-social benefits, none of the pain. Warning: wearers of tattoo sleeves may be severely beaten for being posers.


4. Tick Tock Timebomb clock - This is for the person on your list that has a life long dream of vacationing at Gitmo. Include a forged receipt from Target and watch hilarity ensue as they try to return it. Double good times.






5.Squishy Piggy Thingy - These squishy piggies come from the land of exquisitely useless objects, Japan. Unless you live in Japan, I don't think you can get them. You'll just have to be content with the video.




6. Wine glass holder necklace - This is for that person at your holiday party that always ends up so drunk off the sparkling cider that they need both hands free to hold onto the walls. It also doubles as a classy vomit container holder. (Currently, these are sold out. Apparently the douche bags are out in force this holiday season.)






7. Gold Money Toilet Seat - For the straight player and pimp on your list, this gift is sure to have them sittin' bricks, sittin' ON gold bricks, that is. Ain't no place better to show off your bling to the ladies than when they're...you know.







8. Reserve the world's highest tennis court - Those crazy rich Arabs are at it again. They have put a tennis court on the outside of their super-luxury hotel which sits on a man-made island. Perfect for the person on your list that loves both tennis and base jumping. Check the vid and stay to the end to see Agassi lobbing balls over the edge trying to hit people. I'm surprised it took him so long to try that. That would have been the first thing I did.

9. World's Hottest 'Sauce' - Technically, Blair's 16 Million Reserve is not a hot sauce. It is purified capsaicin crystals. Capsaicin is the stuff that makes hot sauce hot. So not only is this the world's hottest, there can never be any hotter. Apparently drunk people like to dare each other to eat hot things, so to buy this bottle you must agree to the terms and conditions, one of which is that you are not inebriated. Another is that you won't actually eat this stuff, only use it as a food additive. I think this stuff could kill you. That sounds like a challenge to me!



10. Revolver Hair Dryer - This is what I got my wife, Alice. She hates brushing and blow drying her hair in the morning. On more than one occasion I was worried that she might be suicidal in the bathroom, struggling with her locks. I have already had to replace two bathroom doors after breaking them down in panic. With this handy blow dryer that looks like a revolver, I can rest assured that when she goes to blow her brains out in frustration, she'll really be tricked into styling those gorgeous curls.


I found all of these awesome gifts on the interwebs, which gave me a good idea. Guys tend to procrastinate and not do their Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. By then it is too late to buy anything online. So these businesses are missing 50% of the holiday shopping market. So my idea is to open a store for one day, Christmas Eve. I am going to buy one of everything on the interwebs and sell them to all the guys who come to the mall for last minute Christmas shopping. I already started buying things and I figured I would go alphabetically to make sure I didn't miss anything for sale online. I hope Alice likes the idea because Aardvarks.com does not except returns.