Grateful to be back from the Dead

Alice and I went on tour with the Dead. We have been living in a VW bus, eating soy jerky and stinking of patchouli for the past few months. Needless to say, we haven't had access to a computer to update our blog. So please, please forgive us.

Will this be us in 20 years?

Actually, we have just been too lazy/too busy to find even a few brief moments to share our lives with our family and friends. I for one have spent every waking moment playing with my newest and most beloved possession, my iPhone. I wish I could surgically implant my iPhone into my brain because then I would be three times as smart as I am now and be able to email my thoughts directly to Dr. Phil, instead of having to type them out every time I need his advice.

As Bradley pointed out, owning an iPhone should not relieve a person of their blogging duties. In fact, owning an iPhone should make blogging easier, with the whole of the interwebs now in my pants. Now that I have thoroughly explored and hacked the heck out of my phone, maybe that will be the case. I am hoping that a third party app will come along that will allow me to easily blog from my iPhone. Then you should see the number of posts skyrocket. Just don't expect corresponding quality.

As I am still not sure if this renewed commitment to blogging will last, I will keep this post short and hope that people won't start checking this again until I have a few more posts up. But I will leave you with a photo of note. This is a picture I snapped of a guy I have dubbed 'Asian Kid (of Kid'N'Play)'. I see him on campus occasionally and his hair always makes me smile. It may not be the best picture, but you can still get a sense of the awesome wonder of his daring hirsute personality.

Sacra(ligious)ment Meeting

Alice and I were asked to give talks in Sacrament meeting last Sunday. We had both been very busy with our callings and other various holiday cheer related activities throughout the week. Only a few paltry notes and scriptures had been jotted down by the time Sunday Morning rolled around. We both scrambled to put something together between presidency meetings and Priesthood Executive Committee. At PEC, I was informed that a General Authority would be presiding over our Sacrament meeting. Elder Cardon, of the Africa West Area Presidency, would be visiting our ward while on vacation or something. When I told Alice this, she got very nervous. She started reviewing her talk to make sure there was no false doctrine in it. I was worried less about false doctrine, and more about inappropriate jokes in mine.

I was still typing away on my laptop in one of the empty classrooms two minutes before Sacrament meeting started. I rushed to the clerks office and luckily they were able to print my talk from my thumb drive. Talk about waiting until the last minute, literally. Ah, technology, I declare my appreciation for your facilitation of my ever increasing procrastination!

We both ended up giving nice talks and have not, as of this morning, been reprimanded or excommunicated for teaching false doctrine. As it turns out, not only did we have Elder Cardon on the stand with us, we had two other General Authorities in the congregation: Elder Sorensen, our current temple president, and Elder Russel. Both are emeritus members of the Quorum of the Seventy. Elder Russel was visiting from Florida for a wedding. President Sorensen is often in our Sacrament meetings as he lives within our ward boundaries. That's one of the perks of living a block from the temple.

We both made it through, and are now looking steadfastly forward to the time when we are on vacation in Virginia. We can't wait to see everyone at home!

P.S. This morning I accidentally tucked my sweater into my pants. Luckily, I caught my mistake before anyone in the lab saw me!

Holiday Gift Guide

With Christmas just around the corner, some of you may still be doing some last minute Christmas shopping. If you still need some ideas, here are a few goodies I found. Surely there is something here perfect for everyone on your Christmas list.

1. Psycho Shower Curtain - for those holidays that you can't spend with your mother-in-law but still want to have a friendly reminder. My mother-in-law is a saint and would never dream of stabbing me to death in the shower, but those on your list may not be so lucky.




2. Butt-Face soap - I've always thought the miracle of soap was that it was self-cleaning, so this may not be necessary. But some on your gift list may not have such a lax view on derriere detergents. This will help them keep track of where that soap has been. However, it won't help them if they drop it. Also available: Butt-Face towels.





3. Tattoo sleeves - This is for that person on your list that has always wanted to be hard core, but their Mom would never let them. A shirt that makes it look like you have tattoos, YEAH! All the anti-social benefits, none of the pain. Warning: wearers of tattoo sleeves may be severely beaten for being posers.


4. Tick Tock Timebomb clock - This is for the person on your list that has a life long dream of vacationing at Gitmo. Include a forged receipt from Target and watch hilarity ensue as they try to return it. Double good times.






5.Squishy Piggy Thingy - These squishy piggies come from the land of exquisitely useless objects, Japan. Unless you live in Japan, I don't think you can get them. You'll just have to be content with the video.




6. Wine glass holder necklace - This is for that person at your holiday party that always ends up so drunk off the sparkling cider that they need both hands free to hold onto the walls. It also doubles as a classy vomit container holder. (Currently, these are sold out. Apparently the douche bags are out in force this holiday season.)






7. Gold Money Toilet Seat - For the straight player and pimp on your list, this gift is sure to have them sittin' bricks, sittin' ON gold bricks, that is. Ain't no place better to show off your bling to the ladies than when they're...you know.







8. Reserve the world's highest tennis court - Those crazy rich Arabs are at it again. They have put a tennis court on the outside of their super-luxury hotel which sits on a man-made island. Perfect for the person on your list that loves both tennis and base jumping. Check the vid and stay to the end to see Agassi lobbing balls over the edge trying to hit people. I'm surprised it took him so long to try that. That would have been the first thing I did.

9. World's Hottest 'Sauce' - Technically, Blair's 16 Million Reserve is not a hot sauce. It is purified capsaicin crystals. Capsaicin is the stuff that makes hot sauce hot. So not only is this the world's hottest, there can never be any hotter. Apparently drunk people like to dare each other to eat hot things, so to buy this bottle you must agree to the terms and conditions, one of which is that you are not inebriated. Another is that you won't actually eat this stuff, only use it as a food additive. I think this stuff could kill you. That sounds like a challenge to me!



10. Revolver Hair Dryer - This is what I got my wife, Alice. She hates brushing and blow drying her hair in the morning. On more than one occasion I was worried that she might be suicidal in the bathroom, struggling with her locks. I have already had to replace two bathroom doors after breaking them down in panic. With this handy blow dryer that looks like a revolver, I can rest assured that when she goes to blow her brains out in frustration, she'll really be tricked into styling those gorgeous curls.


I found all of these awesome gifts on the interwebs, which gave me a good idea. Guys tend to procrastinate and not do their Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. By then it is too late to buy anything online. So these businesses are missing 50% of the holiday shopping market. So my idea is to open a store for one day, Christmas Eve. I am going to buy one of everything on the interwebs and sell them to all the guys who come to the mall for last minute Christmas shopping. I already started buying things and I figured I would go alphabetically to make sure I didn't miss anything for sale online. I hope Alice likes the idea because Aardvarks.com does not except returns.

Spendin' Cheese

Alice is now employed by both the best AND second best employers in San Diego. Yesterday, her boss at ProFlowers called Alice into her office. She told Alice that HR had been reviewing her performance and her responsibilities. Alice thought she was in trouble. But they really wanted to give her a raise! Alice didn't even have to ask for a raise, they simply handed it to her of their own accord. And it was a sizable raise, too. Nearly 20% of her salary. After reviewing her original position description and comparing that to what she is actually responsible for, they felt she deserved the raise. I've never heard of a company doing that before. That's why I say ProFlowers is the second best employer in San Diego.

So who's the best employer? On Sunday, Alice was called to be the Young Women's President in our ward. Is it coincidental that the day after Alice was set apart as YW President, she got a pay raise? I don't think so. The Lord may not open up the tithing coffers, but he certainly was not going to let Alice go unrewarded for her diligence and willingness to serve.

And now the entire youth program is under our control (I am the YM President)! All the pieces are in place and my plans for raising up an army of cyborg youth is almost complete. If only my supplier in China would hurry up with those do-it-yourself cybernetic implant kits, the world would already be half mine.

Pure eggnoggery goodness

What is it about that magical holiday concoction called eggnog that melts my brain into a similarly viscous, creamy puddle? It may be the recipe we use when we make it at home (one egg, one quart rum), but I doubt it. [Don't worry, Grandma. That was just a joke. We still keep the word of wisdom.] Even the store-bought variety with no alcohol turns me into a drooling infant, content and happy as long as I am able to suckle at the delicious teat of the holiday gods. Which begs raises the question, why do they not sell eggnog year round? Part of me is afraid of the answer. If they did sell it year round, would I be so enthralled by the sweet nectar? Or would it become banal like chocolate milk. Chocolate milk is good, but I don't go through withdrawal if I don't have it for a while. The same cannot be said for me with regards to eggnog, as can be witnessed every January when they pull my holiday beverage of choice off the shelves for another 10 months. Is part of the allure of the nog its exclusivity and rarity? I have a hunch that this may be the case. Our society is so inundated with affluence that the quest for ever more pleasurable experiences has rendered all but the most expensive and scarce products hardly worthy of a second glance. Do you remember the days when a Christmas orange was a rare and treasured present, brought from a far off land to the snowy winters of the north? I don't remember that. I have always been able to buy an orange pretty much whenever I wanted one. I can just drive around the block and pick up a whole crate for a few bucks. Big deal. Oranges, whoopee. When I eat an orange in December, I am certainly less happy than the child who received this winter gem in times of yore. But I am also less likely to die of scurvy.

'Merry Christmas, Timmy. I got you an orange so you won't die. Eat it slow, it's got to last you until March.'

In this day of on demand shopping and niche marketing made possible by the interwebs, you would think that somewhere there would be a dairy making eggnog all year round. But maybe I'll not go looking for that dairy. Perhaps eggnog tastes better when it only comes during Christmas.

A list of Corbin's favorite eggnogs, eggnog variations, and a few products that aren't on the market but should be, in no particular order:
1. Land'o'Lakes French Vanilla Eggnog
2. Hot Nog (microwave eggnog until hot, enjoy)
3. Chocolate eggnog
4. Orange Nog (add fresh squeezed juice, orange zest, or concentrate to eggnog or hot nog)
5. Eggnog waffles (replace milk with eggnog, or buy Williams-Sonoma mix)
6. Eggnog syrup (mix eggnog and sugar, simmer until reduced to syrup consistency)
7. Eggnog muffins (just discovered at Von's this morning)
8. Eggnog ice cream and milkshakes
9. Peppermint nog (I actually don't like this one, but some of you might want to try it: use a candy cane as a swizzle stick or sprinkle crushed candy cane on the nog)
10. Eggnog bath (trust me, your skin will never feel softer or more luxurious)
11. Eggnog toothpaste (I'm still looking for this one, but I'm sure I'd love it)
12. Eggnog gravy (basically eggnog syrup poured over mashed potatoes)
13. Eggnog gatorade (1. mix equal parts eggnog and gatorade, 2. sweat, 3. replenish bodily fluids with deliciousness)
14. Eggnog cheesecake
15. Eggnog deodorant
16. Eggnog flavored Doritos
17. Eggnog flavored pork rinds